This is a very touchy subject for me, but definitely one I need to shed some light on. At first I couldn’t talk about it, at least not without my heart feeling so heavy I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. What happens to a woman after birth is not always the easiest thing, postpartum depression is no joke. First, I wanna say that it isn’t an easy thing to admit, let alone accept. It’s also so very important to never EVER! compare your experience with anyone else’s. Never would I had imagined that I would go through postpartum depression. Here I thought I was gonna knock labor out of the park because I had done everything right..stayed healthy, active, & had done all my research for a natural delivery. I was ready!! But when my due date had come & gone without a subtle hint of baby making her way out, of course my doctor decided that induction was necessary. My time at the hospital was very long, stressful, & emotional. I feel like a lot of what was left of me after labor had a lot to do with how my experience went. It was not easy, my induction lasted four days. So for four days I tried to get my little Elle to come out into the world because my goal, my plan, my ideal was to do it naturally. I read so much about how women who’s birth plans failed tend to fall into depression because they feel like they failed as women to bring their babies into the world. That Thursday morning when they told me I would have to have a cesarean after all I had been through with my little bb, I honestly never felt myself let go the way I did that very moment. I was exhausted & in pain from contractions, I couldn’t believe how long I had already been in the hospital & still without my little one. I felt so disappointed in myself because out of all my four sisters I was the first who had to do this surgery. It was scary because it was so unfamiliar, no one in my family ever went through what I did & that made me feel so alone & disconnected. After Elle was finally born, I couldn’t be happier to finally see her but I still cried about the way it happened. The first two weeks home were the roughest, I was so emotional that I cried for no reason at all, any little mention about delivery set me off & nursing Elle was giving me anxiety. These emotions I was experiencing were so hard to deal with & accept because again they were unfamiliar. My sisters never went through the slightest of postpartum depression, why did this happen to me?
When I finally accepted my feelings & opened up about it, I had friends reaching out to me telling me about their own experiences. Even though they all didn’t go through the exact same experience I did, in some ways we were the same. It’s important to realize that one cannot compare themselves with others. We can talk about it & share our stories to feel connected & comforted, but we’re all different. Part of my depression was comparing myself to my sisters. I’m not them, & they aren’t me. My delivery is still heavy on me, but that doesn’t mean I love my baby any less. Elle is everything & more to me.💕
*this was originally posted on April 7, 2016 on my VSCO. ( the only journal I felt worth sharing.)